How to Lead Your Wife

Well, that isn’t a controversial title is it?  I won’t pretend for a second that this topic doesn’t cause problems.  Many women these days scoff when this is brought up and many men puff up their chests or shy back in fear.  It is sad that these are the most common reactions.

I had a discussion with a guy about Christianity and this issue was his main beef.  He had a major problem buying into something that taught that women should be silent and submissive in all things and that men should be domineering, dictatorial leaders.  Here is the thing.  I have a major problem with his description too and I think it is a misconception about the Bible’s teaching on roles in marriage that needs to be addressed.  Both insiders and outsiders hold this misconception and so we must go back to the Bible to see what it says before we define these roles.

Eph. 5:22 – 30

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.  Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.  In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his wife loves himself.  For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.

Col. 3:18 -19

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.  Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

Husbands

Let me focus on the husbands first as I think that a clearer understanding of their role makes understanding the role of the wives easier.

There is a constant parallel drawn in scripture between the way a husband should lead and the way Christ led.  I don’t think anyone could argue that Christ led with a puffed out chest.  It says in Eph. 5 that husbands should love their wives as Christ love the church and gave himself up.  This is not a selfish kind of leadership.  In fact it is sacrificial love that is evident here.

Here is my summary: a husband should lead in such a way that would best serve his wife. Not selfishly.  Not dictatorially.  Not harshly.  Instead we husbands should be thinking first about our wives.  We should cherish them as we do our own bodies.  We shouldn’t lead in a way that best serves us.  We should lead in a way that serves them, laying ourselves down.

This kind of leadership starts with submission to God.  It is not something a person can call forth from themselves.  If a man is to lead he must learn his proper place before God.  A tough thing to do for sure but none of this will work if you aren’t in submission to God.

Something else, husbands.  If we are to love our wives as we do our own bodies we should listen to them.  They have valuable input to give.  What man puts his hand on a burner, hears his body tell him that he should move it, and then leaves it there as the smoke rises from the skin?  If we are to love them as our own bodies then we need to listen to them to know how to best serve them.

Wives

“Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord.”  The question we must answer if we are to see how this submission looks is how do we submit to the Lord?  Or why do we submit to the Lord?  We submit ourselves to Christ because we trust Him.  We trust our lives to him.  So even when we aren’t completely sure of the outcome of a situation we trust that He has our best interest at heart.  Not necessarily our happiness, but our ultimate well-being.

Let me tell you, that scares the snot out of me.  Knowing that I have to live up to that standard.  So it is not something I take lightly.  At all!  But the scariest part is knowing that I can never succeed perfectly.  I have to trust that Christ will make up for my deficiencies.  Talk about humbling.

My wife’s submission needs to look like trust.  Trust that I am leading her in a way that best serves her. If you are trusting like this there is no reason to look out for number one because you know that someone else is looking out for you.  And fortunately (as I mentioned above) Christ will make up for my mistakes.  So trusting that Christ has your best at heart helps you in trusting your husband.

Wives, how many of you would like a husband you could trust to have your best interests at heart?  If he is leading in a biblical way then you should be able to.  Husbands, are you leading in a way that inspires trust in your wife?

Again, this role starts with submission to God first.  If submission to God is not present first the rest will be difficult if not impossible.  This starts (hopefully) before marriage.

What about a situation where the husband is not leading in a Christ-like manner?  1 Peter 3 tells us that a wife should still submit in hopes that her conduct will be seen by her husband and that this will point him to Christ.  This is not an easy one to swallow in today’s society but it does make sense.  It can be a very humbling thing for someone else to act right even when we are acting wrong.

Here is the kicker, I am human.  I make mistakes.  But if I do my best to approach every opportunity to lead my wife as an opportunity to serve her to the best of my ability the I am on the right track.  Perfect?  Not hardly.  And if my wife knows this about me she can trust that I am trying to lead in a loving way.

Yikes!  This got a bit long.  But it is important.  Comments?

Brian